As I am now 34 weeks pregnant, it’s insane to look back to the day I found out our family was about to grow. I remember going to my parents to do some laundry (our apartment doesn’t have a washer/dryer) and just feeling “off.” I had worked out that morning and thought I had just taken too much pre-workout, leaving me shaky and with an upset stomach. I was just nauseous. Also, since we had gotten home from our honeymoon, I hadn’t felt right in the gym. Just sluggish workouts and working on getting back to my regular diet.
Anyways, I was at my parents house doing laundry and no one else was there. I did a few loads and decided to lay down for a bit, but I couldn’t shake the hungover feeling I had. Right as I was about to leave, my mom called and naturally, like the newly wed who always needed her momma, I told her I wasn’t feeling well. She jokingly asked if I was pregnant. I got so angry with her for even suggesting such a crazy idea. Sam and I had been married for like… 30 days, so it was possible but it seemed crazy and the thought had never even occurred to me. It wasn’t part of our “plan” so there’s no way I could be pregnant.
On the way home I decided to swing by Schnucks and grab a pregnancy test. I’m pretty sure I bought a pizza too because I figured I might need it…
I debated waiting for Sam to get home from work, but at the time he was working at Chic-Fil-A and wouldn’t be home until 11pm. It was 2pm. There was no way I could wait that long, so I took the test. Now, I swear, those freaking lines turned pink before I even had the stick out of the package. I was without a doubt pregnant. What did I do? I CRIED. HARD. I was trying to convince myself it was happy tears but I was absolutely terrified. I wasn’t even scared about being a mom, money, or anything I think a normal person would be scared of, but I was scared of my body changing. I’ve always been healthy, but I’d really gotten into my groove with running and thought I had finally developed a healthy relationship with food. I’ve always struggled with over/under restrictive dieting.
I’ll skip through the next few months of telling friends and family, but every one was excited for us except for me. I still couldn’t wrap my head around my rapidly changing body, plus I was vomited every day for about 3 months. That was rough.
Around the second trimester, the Lord tackled my heart and convicted me of my selfishness. I started sharing with other women about my fears and realized I had never confessed any of it to Sam. I decided to share with him what I was feeling and I can’t explain how hard it was. We both thought I had buried the eating disorder I had years ago, but realized I was still carrying it with me and allowing it to rob me of the joy God has given me.
To save time on this already long post, I’ll skip over all of the day to day struggles to where I am now. At this point, I am able to see food as fuel and get excited knowing how what I eat is nourishing myself and the baby I am growing. The baby I am SO FREAKING EXCITED TO MEET AND SNUGGLE AND HOLD. I never thought that day would come back in July when I saw those little pink lines. I never thought I would be excited to be a momma at 23 years old.
Sure, I still have fears about my body not going back to the way it was, and honestly, it probably won’t ever be exactly the same. I’m still on a journey and God is walking me through it with so much patience and reminding me that my fear is okay, but I have to trust him. Daily I have to pray against the lies that I am hearing about my body and how I look . Daily I have to beg him to increase my faith. My biggest fears now are not even that my body won’t bounce back, but its that I will be sinfully living in a body I that hate. I want to see the body I have as a gift from the Lord and continue to develop a healthy relationship with food and exercise. I truly believe that the Lord always has a better plan for us than we could ever imagine and He has shown me that I have lived trapped in this cycle for far too long. Looking back, I wonder if this was the only way He could have brought this to the surface.
I fully understand this isn’t exactly what you expect to find in a post titled “Pregnancy,” but I believe vulnerability breeds vulnerability and that we are called to share our struggles as a testament to how good our God is.